Transgender thoughts on transitioning...

Hello fellows…
Finally I’m getting back into some routine here, that is working, studying, and using the computer on a regular basis again. Was a really freaked out few months for a while…
It started all nice and neat with a week-long detox at a local hospital, but I’m telling you, this whole transgender thing has turned my life upside down… for the better as it comes to my self-perception, but it really uprooted nearly everything that ever made up my existence.
I knew I was transgender in my teens, not as a kid, it started in puberty, not before, but since I had no clue that this freakin’ thing exists I just went along with the world I had, ultimately becoming the drunk I am. And considering the detox? Days sober after? One. The day I got out. - Very successful indeed. :wink:
Anyway, it did help me a lot though, as they had a separate LGBT floor, on which there weren’t all too many people, considering the masses otherwise, and I was the only transgender person. It was the first time I was “officially” called Michelle. - As you might know, or not, I was previously on here as Mike. Felt like heaven to be called Michelle! And ever since, I’ve been Michelle to a whole host of people. Best thing, I was accepted! Just the way I am! I could hardly believe it. - Not that people didn’t accept me here, or very close friends I trusted to tell, but making it “public” was a huge thing for me… - And now… everyone at work knows, ALL my friends know, my closest family knows, and even though I don’t run around wearing a T-shirt saying “Hey, I’m T”, it’s definitely very obvious that I’m not your regular “guy”.
Did I just say “guy”? Yeah, I did. When I came on here again as Michelle I had just begun starting my transition process, all excited, all freaked out, feeling sooo, sooo good as never before! Truth though is, it ain’t workin’ all that easy, and one of my biggest concerns has always been being passable as a woman. I’m not. - I feel like a girl, I wish I were a girl, I would look like a girl had I done this twenty years ago or sooner, but right now I’m at a cross-roads. And don’t get me wrong, I CAN look like a girl if I make a drag effort, and even if I don’t I’m so freakin’ skinny and girly I make some High Schoolers envy my looks (that’s just what I hope :wink: ). But this whole HRT issue is on the backburner for me now. I’m happy the way I am. I’m accepted. I’m not necessarily interested in stopping smoking just to get these hormones without ending in cardiac arrest. I’m taking herbals anyway… whether they do any good or not we’ll see, as I just started two days ago.
Well, just to let you know, people, I’m not a passable tranny (sadly), but I am taking this whole TG thing in a different direction at this moment, focusing on what I do best: being a nerd. A drunk nerd, but a nerd. - I’m working on an essay (currently) entitled “Transsexuality in light of the social construction of gender”. That’s my goal right now. If I can’t be passable because I’m too old of a fuck, at least I can work on TG issues for others. And there are many others.
Sorry if the post was lengthy and really whatever… I mean it’s pretty much a diary entry, not a post about anything, but I just felt like sharing. And now that I’m out, living as guy or girl or androgyne or whatever… hey, the world has finally opened up. No more masks needed.
Peace. … And thanks for all your kindness.
Michelle

As I’ve said before, who gives a S____ about the gender of anyone else unless the person hopes to have a sexual relation with them? I like people, it doesn’t matter whether they are male, female, TG, etc. As I see it, the main job all of us have is learning to feel good about ourselves, and our second job is to help others learn to feel good about themselves. Sounds like you’re making progress, Michelle, and that’s great. :slight_smile:
Occam

As I've said before, who gives a S____ about the gender of anyone else unless the person hopes to have a sexual relation with them? I like people, it doesn't matter whether they are male, female, TG, etc. As I see it, the main job all of us have is learning to feel good about ourselves, and our second job is to help others learn to feel good about themselves. Sounds like you're making progress, Michelle, and that's great. :) Occam
Thank you, Occam. I'm learning, yes. ;) Peace.

I’m going to be honest, I find that the gender of a person DOES make a subtle difference to me in the way I think of him or her. It’s a cultural thing. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it just IS.
But otherwise… what Occam said. If you feel good about yourself, that’s all that matters. Don’t let anybody tell you different. I’ve always thought of you as a girl. If you told me you looked like Jessica Alba I’d believe it! :slight_smile:

Well, just to let you know, people, I'm not a passable tranny (sadly), but I am taking this whole TG thing in a different direction at this moment, focusing on what I do best: being a nerd. A drunk nerd, but a nerd. - I'm working on an essay (currently) entitled "Transsexuality in light of the social construction of gender". That's my goal right now. If I can't be passable because I'm too old of a fuck, at least I can work on TG issues for others. And there are many others. Michelle
Good point, none of is an island onto our selves. Some very important and accomplished people have been drunks. Work that essay, work it hard, others will benefit from it, if you can perfect it to say what your heart wants to express. Good luck.
I'm going to be honest, I find that the gender of a person DOES make a subtle difference to me in the way I think of him or her. It's a cultural thing. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, it just IS. But otherwise... what Occam said. If you feel good about yourself, that's all that matters. Don't let anybody tell you different. I've always thought of you as a girl. If you told me you looked like Jessica Alba I'd believe it! :)
Hi Advocatus! I think, too, that someone's gender makes some difference. After all, they act according to their gender. But it is culturally conditioned, definitely. I feel very good about myself! No more trying to "play a role" and being pissed about it every single day, like coming home and pretty much being convinced that nobody really accepts you because they don't even know you. Gets you very depressed. - And the worst thing now really: It was all for nothing! Being afraid of nothing! You know what my good friend said? "I always knew that, I just wanted you to say it by yourself." So many wasted years because of unfounded paranoia. - But that doesn't matter now. Only the future matters! And thank you, that was one of the nicest things to say, that you always thought of me as a girl! :) Made me feel sooo good! Thanks! But no, I don't look like Jessica Alba... I wish! ;)
Well, just to let you know, people, I'm not a passable tranny (sadly), but I am taking this whole TG thing in a different direction at this moment, focusing on what I do best: being a nerd. A drunk nerd, but a nerd. - I'm working on an essay (currently) entitled "Transsexuality in light of the social construction of gender". That's my goal right now. If I can't be passable because I'm too old of a fuck, at least I can work on TG issues for others. And there are many others. Michelle
Good point, none of is an island onto our selves. Some very important and accomplished people have been drunks. Work that essay, work it hard, others will benefit from it, if you can perfect it to say what your heart wants to express. Good luck. Hi CC! So right! None of us is an island. We all belong together. I like to remind myself that I'm a "world citizen". It's so easy to think of yourself in terms of nation or ethnicity or "religion" or even gender. The latest "accomplished drunk" coming to my mind would be Hitchens. He was so brilliant! Whether I'm accomplished one day leaves to be seen. :) This essay definitely is important to me. I just hope it comes out good. Will definitely try my best. Have a great weekend!

Interesting idea. Do I treat or relate to males and females differently? I think I do at first because each person radiates information: gender, age, appearance, etc. immediately, and that influences how I relate for the moment. However, as soon as I get more information, usually from our conversation, that takes over how I deal with them. For example, two of the members this board I’ve met are Asanta and Lois. I recognized that they were women, however, the moment we started talking, I saw them as intelligent human beings worth relating to. Their gender faded from importance replaced by their humanity.
Occam

Interesting idea. Do I treat or relate to males and females differently? I think I do at first because each person radiates information: gender, age, appearance, etc. immediately, and that influences how I relate for the moment. However, as soon as I get more information, usually from our conversation, that takes over how I deal with them. For example, two of the members this board I've met are Asanta and Lois. I recognized that they were women, however, the moment we started talking, I saw them as intelligent human beings worth relating to. Their gender faded from importance replaced by their humanity. Occam
That's a nice way to put it. Yes, we do relate differently to different genders, but only until we know a person. Once that happened there's "just" a human being. All that other stuff is totally secondary.