Funny things I've said to my kids

I thought I’d share a few of my shenanigans over the years. I’m a pretty funny guy.

When my oldest son was about 2 years old we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me - Hey Alex. You want to know where babies come from?

Alex - Yeah.

Me - Ask your mother.

Objectively that’s funny as hell, but my wife didn’t seem to see that for some reason. I guess she doesn’t have much of a sense of humor.

When Alex was about 19 and in college he needed money. This was a couple of years ago. I sent him the money and texted him the following message to tell him that he should have it:

“I put $50 in your account. Don’t spend it on strippers. Hookers, fine, but NOT strippers. If all you get to do is look at their goods all they should get to do is look at your money.”

When Alex was a teenager in high school we once had a short “the talk” on the way to school. I told him that he should ALWAYS use a condom so that he doesn’t impregnate a girl with a tiny life form or, more importantly, so she doesn’t implant him with one.

A couple of years ago I built the third kid, Jack, a computer out of used parts. He was (and still is) a teenage boy, so I wanted to do something special to foster the interests I thought a teenage boy might have. In the Pictures folder I created a folder called “Boobies”. (At this point in telling my wife she strangely had a disproving look on her face. I don’t understand why). I then proceeded to fill it with dozens of pictures of blue footed boobies, a fascinating and strange animal sure to pique the interest of an expanding mind. (At this point the disproving look disappeared and there was laughter. Perhaps she has a sense of humor after all.)

You are weird, Widdershins. I like that.

The kids do too. Alex is greatly amused at the PIN to unlock my phone. I’ve got the same combination on my luggage.