[Background]As with many of my posts, this involves a conversation with someone from my workplace. She tends to say things that really don’t jive with me. I’m a 25yo guy who has never really been good looking, never gotten much attention from the opposite sex, and have a long history of physical inadequacy. She is a 25yo attractive, fit blonde who views many guys as ‘wimpy’ compared to herself and doesn’t have an issue with self-image.
So we were talking about the time we allow ourselves between relationships. She was saying how she usually allows about a year to get over breakups and sort herself out.
I commented that I typically get with someone new right away.
She then scoffed, "That’s because guys are ‘tit babies’ and don’t try to sort themselves out and get to know themselves-- they just go girl to girl. She frequently makes comments that insult the manhood or strength of guys.
It made me reflect, though; she may have had a point. I have always had severe self-image issues. I was abused by my brother, and girls have always been very harsh to me and have displayed that they don’t value guys’ feelings (and frequently operate as though guys don’t have feelings). I feel like I did jump girl to girl after break ups because being alone made me feel unwanted and after spending much of my life feeling unwanted, being alone was just soul-crushing. She said that she allows a lot of time and is picky because if she gets with someone right away, she eventually finds that she really doesn’t like that person as much as she thought and that she was just too eager. I’ve found that the girls I get with right away didn’t have traits that I really liked and I actually tended to dislike much of those girls’ personalities. So maybe her idea to allow more time was sound. But for someone who is left feeling unwanted and inadequate when not with someone, it’s just very difficult to stay single for so long-- because you never know when you’ll be able to be loved again. Whereas she has constant suitors buzzing around her. I don’t think she’s ever known how it feels to be disgusting or repulsive to people; to avoid eye contact with the opposite sex out of shame.
But I think that shows the difference between an average-to-below-average guy, and a pretty blonde girl like her; people are always hitting on her. All she has to do is say ‘yes’ and she could have someone new every day. Before getting with my current girlfriend, I was single for a year and no one gave me a second look. I think this makes her take things for granted. I think it would be much easier to be alone if you knew that at the drop of a hat you could have someone. This girl always diminutizes men and never thinks they’re ‘manly’ enough. And I just feel like this is unfair-- because in a lot of respects, the woman has the power in the relationship nowadays.
However, her attitude hasn’t won her any gleaming relationships. A cheating alcoholic, a drug addict who eventually OD’d and died, and then other guys who didn’t last long and she felt weren’t really impressive as men. Her track record is awful, but she has the confidence and attitude of a wife of a rich guy from Hollywood.
Anyways, I am just looking for some perspective on this issue from you guys because I tend to view her mentality with resentment because of how she is so ready to diminutize us and aren’t ‘real men.’ I’m big into feminism, mens rights and gender studies, so sometimes the things she says bother me for days. This may be due to my inferiority complex and my ‘fear’ of women, but I’d like to know your thoughts on this.
Thank you, guys!
Her attitudes have probably been formed very early because she was a pretty child and got fawned over. She has a strong ego, but little substance behind it. When one is as superior as she thinks she is, it’s easy to look down on the males who admire her beauty and are extremely pleasant to her. She doesn’t realize that much of it is because of testosterone toxicity, i.e., that they want to get into her pants.
Unless she’s part of that about three percent of women who still look beautiful as they age, she’s going to be disappointed as she loses her attractiveness and has only her negative personality to fall back on. She’ll probably end up marrying some super masculine jerk, and as she ages will wonder why her life has become so miserable, her husband cheats on her, treats her like dirt, and doesn’t show any affection even when he has sex with her.
I think we value physical beauty far too highly. If we take the time to learn about and understand everyone, we begin to see their thought processes and ideas. Often their interior beauty is quite different from their external appearance. I know society has changed into the “hooking up” system, but I seldom had a serious relationship with a woman until I got to know and appreciate her internal personality. I suggest you stop even bothering talking to this woman except as requred for your work. Instead, learn about some of the less physically attractive women and try to connect with those who you find you can really enjoy as people.
Occam
Thanks so much for your insight. I really like to see different perspectives on situations. Maybe I will stop participating in conversations like this with her. I tend to continues these kinds of conversations even when I know the other person is going to vex me, because I feel if I sensor myself with respect to them, they win. Maybe I should try to get over that.
Occam is right in one sense, when he says that you should try to connect with less attractive women. You said you are not very attractive yourself and women and everyone around you know it as well. Assortative mating seems to be almost the law when it comes to our species, and unless you want to keep getting a broken heart, try to figure out what your sexual market value (“SMV”) is and look for a girl within your limits. It is not the woman who has the power in relationship as you say, but the one, a man or a woman, with the higher SMV. If you are a 6 and end up marrying a 3, you can almost bet she’ll be the one who’ll love you “unconditionally,” but also the one who will often be the jealous one; although you can probably screw this one up as well. Whatever you do, don’t ever show your girlfriend (or any girl) how desperate you are. Stay aloof and don’t give in. The moment you show a woman she is the “only one,” your SMV will automatically decline, as she’ll perceive you as somebody who has no other options.
That makes sense, too. Reminds me of what is preached in The Red Pill section of Reddit.com.