This is a completely true story (or as my 8th-grade teacher told it) starting in medias res.
“A wife doing dishes in her kitchen looks up to witness a woodpecker doing somersaults, head over butt across her kitchen window, and just about loses her mind.”
As the story was told to me I couldn’t recall the actual persons involved so I’m taking some liberties here that don’t violate the actualities of the incident that had occurred. This is by all accounts my recollection as the story had been told to me and the class.
The wife and husband had an issue with a woodpecker a while back that had decided to build its home on the side of their house. The husband tried chasing it away but this bird would return and continue burrowing his soon-to-be home. (Now I’m not a fan of this part so please bear with me on this) The husband went back into the house and got his BB gun and shot the woodpecker killing it (yes, I know, sad). The problem was, the woodpeckers’ claws dug into the wood leaving it hanging against the house. Time had passed and the bird never dropped to the ground, so the husband eventually realized that the only way to get the bird down was to go up there with a ladder and pry it off. So the husband finally took the time to get his ladder and pry the bird off with a tool. Unbeknownst to his wife who was doing cleaning in the kitchen he had removed the woodpecker and tossed it sending the bird’s body flipping across the kitchen window. In seeing this the wife completely flips out and runs out to tell her husband, “I just saw the damnedest thing that you wouldn’t believe. A woodpecker just did somersaults right in front of me!”
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Liked the story, didn’t like the story? Let me know what you thought about it. We all have varying senses of humor. If you have a good story that you think others would like to read, then feel free to post one of your own. This story, though sad, had always stuck with me, even into my adulthood.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be a consultant,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but you did not told me anything I did not knew and I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a Manager”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man below, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault.”
That reminds me of a similar joke I heard some 20 years ago.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications qquipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, like their technical support, online help, and product documentation, the response they gave me was technically correct but completely useless.”
Jesus and Moses having a round of golf.
Coming to a large water hazard, Jesus pulls out a 9 iron and tees up. Moses, having played this course before knows that for Jesus a 9 iron is not anywhere near the correct choice and says; Jesus, you can’t make that shot with a 9 iron, only Arnold Palmer could make that shot with a 9 iron.
Jesus says; “watch me” and strikes the ball which promptly falls into the water.
Jesus turns around and ask Moses , “please get my ball”, whereupon Moses parts the water , retrieves the ball and hands it back to Jesus , who immediately tees it back up and again selects the 9 iron.
Moses exclaims “Jesus you can’t make that shot with a 9 iron, only Arnold Palmer could make such a shot”.
Jesus just smiles and hits the ball which again falls in the middle of the hazard. Jesus turns to Moses and asks, “Moses be a good sport and retrieve my ball”
Moses curses under his breath and again parts the water and retrieves that ball for Jesus, who promptly tees it up and takes a practice swing with the 9 iron.
Moses, at the end of his patience yells ; “Jesus Christ , you cannot make that shot with a 9 iron, I’m telling you, only Arnold Plamer could make that shot” .
Jesus frowns , swings as hard he can and the ball again falls into the pond.
Jesus turns to Moses and asks; "Moses , get my ball?, wheupon Moses tells Jesus : “Get you own ball, I’m exhausted”.
Jesus sighs and walks on the water to the spot where the ball disappeared .
In the mean time another foursome approaches and see the spectacle of a man walking on the water.
“Who does this guy think he’s is, Jesus Chist?” asks one, laughing.
Moses turns to him and growls “Yesss, that is Jesus Christ, he just thinks he is Arnold Palmer”
Pappy Lefort, creator, founder and manager of the Lefort nail company, turns 85. He made the first Lefort nail himself in his workshop and made his company the European leader in nails. His grandchildren who have gone to the best schools find him a bit dated and encourage him to adapt to the new world of advertising and communication. But he thinks that he knows how to sell Lefort nails.
The old man ends up agreeing to a work meeting with a few advertising geeks who talk to him about the core target and the market segment.
After a full hour, he intervenes: "I have thought about it, this is what I propose. A spot with Golgotha, Christ, the Roman soldiers nailing it and as a slogan: “Lefort nails drive in effortlessly!” ". "
The audience is horrified…. The church will howl, the traditionalist Christians will cry blasphemy, etc. … The meeting is adjourned until next month.
A month later, same circus.
Pappy Lefort takes the floor again: "I’ve thought about it, that’s what I want. Golgotha, the two brigands on their cross, in the middle, an empty cross and as a slogan: “With the Lefort nails, he would still be there!” ". "
