To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of your country and thus to govern yourselves in manner we taught you and expect you to follow we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over your country as of now.
She will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Chads will be banned.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated early next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:-
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbor.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels by reading ten pages of The Oxford English Dictionary before bedtime each night (look up ‘vocabulary’). You will not be allowed to eat whilst reading it.
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will instead be expected to celebrate Trooping of the Colour (that is colour not color).
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry your vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect and no overtaking on the inside. At the same time you will use Imperial measurements only (using the correct volume for gallons etc.) with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
- You will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have so crudely (there is a pun there but we would not expect you to get it - only your children’s children will) been calling gasoline of roughly $10 a gallon. Get used to it.
After five years you will only be allowed to use electric cars. If this cannot be accomplished on time you will be required to convert beef burgers to fuel. We will look after your health as it would appear you cannot.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call Freedom fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with salt and vinegar and eaten from newspapers.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion and will be sold in pint glasses of the correct volume. Your government has hoodwinked you for too many years now
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. They will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. (Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.)
They will also be required to remake “Braveheart” before the next Scottish Referendum (it nearly caused a revolution last time) and “Enigma” to show that it was actually the British who recovered the Enigma machine from the U boat before it was scuttled, risking life and limb.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football - you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America (and Canada if they are nice to you). Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. You could always make a film about it.
- A. tax collector (i.e. Internal Revenue agent to you - but you will learn) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due - backdated to 1776.
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies to you but again you will be converted - if not you will be sent to Guantanamo Bay to join George Bush Jnr and Tony Blair) and cakes- plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
- On no account must Donald Trump have any sort of power. The thought of him, Sarah Palin, Jeremy Corbyn and Vladimir Putin in the same room is frightening.
Now stand, you heathens, and sing the British National Anthem.
God Save the Queen.