On working out

I’ll be honest, I really only started working out to get noticed by other guys. It’s kind of a secret shame of mine because I felt like I would forever remain invisible. Even today I can’t help but look in the mirror and see something lacking, that I’m not enough. Despite claims in the past that I’m told I am “hot” by guys I met at gay areas I just look in the mirror and think they must be deluded or something.

Yet in the gym the weight lifting is actually somewhat enjoyable. I do what I can and sometimes I can do more than that and the reality of a gym is that no one really cares what you’re doing or is looking at you.

It’s also worth nothing that most the men I admire (fictional characters) are all those who work hard for personal goals. Joe from Megalobox, Ryu from Street Fighter, Tanjiro from Demon Slayer, and Akihiko from Persona 3 (to name few). I secretly wanted to be like them, working toward a personal goal, most of them being physical fitness. In fact it was Megalobox that originally inspired me to go to the gym. For those who don’t know most of those characters are from anime and video games.

But every now and then the old wounds and motivations pop up about looking right to attract a man, not to mention it’s hard for me to not look at the other guys. I guess I’m caught in a spot where the original reason is morphing into something else but the old wounds still pop up.

but the old wounds still pop up.
You know, I'll bet that's also true of most of us. It's what you let them do to you that matters.

It’s possible to be possessed by joys and sorrows in the same moment - life’s experiences simply do that.

Often the good and bad are difficult to disentangle from each other.