I don’t know. being wrong and having to unravel what I grew up with and pretty much built my life on is terrifying. I don’t know what to do next. The site that challenged me the most was the one for the Shroomery, their philosophy section (and to an extent the manson page). Do I know they are lies? I don’t think so, but I am utterly terrified to be wrong. Looking him up I saw how terrible his childhood was, and now I’m not sure if feeling bad for him is right or wrong, if the monster label is entirely true (for if we are shaped by our past then it’s not entirely him). I know that no one is born evil, this is reality not some cartoon and I have to wonder what happened to someone to lead to this. Publicly I don’t think it’s right to say such things, it’s easier to say monster rather than look at why so it doesn’t happen again.
Their other point was culture, how much if conditions and impacts us and limits us, and to me that sounded like brainwashing and I instantly grew terrified that my thoughts and life were not my own. I still don’t know the extent that it is. I mean there are some things about the culture we live in that I don’t understand. I don’t get football, where guys maim each other while we watch. Or why restaurants and grocery stores toss away perfectly good food instant of giving it to the staff. Some things in our world make me question the sanity of folks, and my own for having been a part of it. As a kid I thoughtlessly followed, even celebrated war with other countries. Then I learned what war is like, that there isn’t truly a “side”, and why we can’t just talk. I can’t fathom now what would bring a person to kill another, yet a while ago they were just another enemy to kill. I guess that’s why their view on that forum is so attractive, it mirrors a few parts of me and it’s quite different then most things I hear.
Though I still have the bad habit of thinking sages speaking in such vaunted manners are correct (likely as a result of my childhood where these secluded eastern sages were portrayed to be cryptic and all knowing). I also fall prey to personal experience, thinking that because someone changed or felt a profoundness that there is some truth to things. I recognize on some logical level that my “reasoning” is horrible, but I can’t stop it. As though denying or correcting it simply reinforces it that much more.
I don’t know how to reconcile all this new data, or even if the framework I grew with is or ever was valid. I’m not sure about a career because I don’t want to as Alan Watts put it “doing what I hate to just go on living to do what I hate”. I wanted to go into art as a kid, all I ever did was draw. But that’s not a REAL career so I left it.
Sorry this is so long. But I guess I am just done. Done with pretending I know when I don’t, because the old ways don’t work anymore. I can’t be the kid in middle school or high where knowing simple facts about the world passed for smart. I can’t, or more like WON’T, pretend anymore. I’m just tired of that.