Inthedark, I’ve just read a fascinating look at Solipsism and its implications at Medium.com by a guy who goes by Archetype Alchemy
It was a fascinating read that had me thinking of your struggles, and although nihilism seems to be your thing, I believe it’s a kissing-cousin of solipsism.
It starts:
There is something profoundly unsettling about a philosophy that claims to annihilate the ego, yet ends by enthroning the ego as the hidden monarch of all existence. Under the guise of transcendence, it performs the most extravagant inflation imaginable: not merely enlarging the self, but dissolving the entire cosmos into a private dream-state.
It pretends to humble the seeker, but in truth it crowns them with a godhood so absolute that everything else, stars, galaxies, other beings, becomes little more than decorations in their personal hallucination. This is not awakening. It is self-deification smuggled in through the back door of metaphysics.
Oxford Languages: Solipsism a definition:
“The view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.”
“solipsism is an idealist thesis because ‘Only my mind exists’ entails ‘Only minds exist’”
“Here lies the tragic arrogance at the heart of this teaching. It imagines that the universe flickers in and out of being only within the narrow theater of one individual’s awareness. It reduces the vast, incomprehensible architecture of reality to an internal projection, a dream cast onto the screen of the mind.”
Now this is quite difference from appreciating that all we know gets processed through our body/brain interacting with life and our surroundings.
Here again, is why a clear succinct articulation of the divide between Human Mind ~ Physical Reality, is so important for arriving at a sober assessment of our own lives, and the unique biologically formed and driven Self, that each of us possesses within our own bodies.