Hey Michelle,
I am a sober alcoholic and addict and have be clean for 13 years plus. What you describe is very normal for people with substance abuse issues. You are correct when you say you are addicted to the chaos of this relationship. Our using careers are often filled with drama and crazy / dangerous behavior. When we stop drinking and or drugging, we often miss the excitement that being sober seems to have moved us away from. We begin to realize that we crave excitement much the same way we craved our substance of choice. If sobriety is not stimulating enough, we will do whatever it takes to recapture that old excitement. In the end, I discovered that the chaos and excitement where really just the high side of a manic depressive cycle. That could easily get me drinking again when I bottomed out after all that excitement. Active addiction is constant and dramatic highs and lows that become our version of normal. When we get sober, we hopefully learn to live our lives in a manor that is more calm and even, but punctuated with real life joys and disappointments instead of the dramas we used to need and create. It's a way of living more as your authentic self instead of being drivin by manic depressive cycle that keeps you living in the familiar chaos of your party days. We can also start to see that we deserve better people and relationships in our lives instead of the people we used to be attracted to because we didn't think we deserved any better. We were also attracted to problem people because we didn't have to risk the rejection of someone we really respected.
Keep talking to whomever will listen. You are in a process of discovering who you are "without" addiction and the subsequent chaos. It is a wonderful journey and is often difficult, but well worth the time and effort. I wish you much success.
Danny
Hi Danny, ... thanks.
Yes, it's weird. It's a mess and you hate it but you still want it or need it. "Our version of normal" is a good way to put it. Pretty true. On the one hand you want peace and quiet, but then it gets boring and you want some stupid rush. Although I'm pretty fed up right now. Not interested in this sort of drama.
That's very powerful what you say there about the kinds of people one is attracted to. Very true. I would never approach a "respectable" person thinking I'll get nowhere. What that says though, subconsciously, is pretty shitty.
I'm going to AA once in a while. First time was when I was 18 actually. Long time ago. Only picked up a white chip once, and have been scared to do so ever since, as it made me even more depressed when I messed up. But I keep going. Just listening to the other stories helps a lot, as does talking.
13 years is a long time! Cool! Hats up. But what do they say? One day at a time. Best thing I ever heard.
All the best to you, too!
Michelle